Reflections on Bullying

Recently, there has been much made about bullying and the teenagers who have killed themselves as a result of school bullying.  Here's my story:

 I am not gay and my bullying did not occur at exclusively at school, but in my home.  I was the youngest of 3 children and the only girl.  I was told every day of my life by my parents and, to a lesser extent, my brothers that I was worthless and never going to amount to anything. I was called fat and ugly and my father used to say that I was everything he hated in a person.  On top of that was the physical abuse.  While there was teasing and a certain amount of bullying at school, it seemed like nothing in comparison to what I got at home every day of my life.  When I called the police after a beating, they asked what I did to deserve it.  When I told my teachers exactly who it was that gave me the black eye they told me to tell my father that I was too old for spankings and left it at that.  I spent much of my teenage years just trying to find someone to love me.   I thought I found that someone when I was 16 years-old.  A 20 year-old man whom after we had dated for about 2 weeks told me that if I didn't sleep with him he was going to have to find someone more mature.  I gave in.  It was my first time.  I will never forget the flood of empty despair that washed over me when my "best friend" told me four weeks later that she and this man were in fact "seeing" each other and were going to go to the prom together.   Seeing that this was verification of what my parents had told me my whole life, that no one could ever love me and only foreseeing a future filled with desolation, I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. I did this in front of this "best friend" who was spending the night.  The next morning she got up and went to school as if nothing had happened.  To her credit, she called my mother the next morning to see if I was there.  My mother then went to see if I had stayed home found me barely breathing.  My heart stopped beating just as they got me into the Emergency Room and for 3 days I had a machine breathing for me until the drugs wore off.
Even while I was taking the sleeping pills, I knew that I really didn't want to die.  But I knew that I couldn't live that way anymore.  Things HAD to change or I would rather be dead.  My parents didn't get me therapy and just wanted the whole thing to go away.  And while things hadn't changed that much at home,  I had changed after that incident.  I realized that I wasn't the loser, but rather the people around me were.  I realized that I really didn't want to die and in fact I wanted to LIVE more than ever.  I realized that even though my family tormented me, in their own way, they did love me and actually didn't want me to die.
About two years later I moved out of my parents house and began liberating myself from the emotional brambles that had shaped my ideas about myself.
In the 30 years since that horrific time, I have grown into the stable, secure and intelligent woman I am today.  It was not easy and it was not by myself.   I went through several years of therapy and have had the support of a wonderful husband and amazing and outstanding children.   The thought that had I succeeded that night and not survived that these incredible human beings would not be here today, fills me with stunned humility and even a bit of shame.
I am here today and I have broken the cycle of abuse and torment that I was raised with.  I have made peace with both of my parents and understand that all the horrible things they did to me growing up were really things they wanted to do to themselves and really had very little to do with me. This is often the case with bullies.  What they do to their victims is what they really think about themselves.
Do I regret my suicide attempt?  Absolutely.  I now realize that there are other ways to deal with these situations.  I now realize that NO situation is worth killing yourself over.  However, I do understand the hopelessness that teenagers feel when life comes at them full force.  And while I'm not gay, I can relate to the gay teen who feels as if this is who they are and that won't change, therefore the world won't change.
I have a message for you. It will change.  It does change and it will do so while you stay you.  You are loved and you are lovable, and anyone that tells you any different is the real loser.  YOU are a winner because you know who you are.  The people who try to tell you differently know they are losers and are trying to bring you down with them.   Don't go there.  They don't have the courage to stand up for themselves like you do.  You remind them how puny and pathetic their existence is.
Whether it's in your home or at your school- there is so much more to life than what you are feeling right now.  If you haven't watched Joel Burns You Tube video please do so now (click the words).  I recommend this for everyone.  It doesn't matter how old you are, whether you are gay or straight this video is a must see.  If you are contemplating suicide, please tell someone who loves you.  If they don't listen or don't take you seriously, tell someone else and keep telling people until someone listens.  It will get better.  I promise.